Post reblogged from Oh, how I hate goodbyes...
ever wonder why russians can be spotted a mile away? here’s why.
1. Vodka. That’s right. Vodka.
2. Have a flash mp3 player. Preferably iRiver. iPod mini works too.
3. Make sure that said flash mp3 player contains nothing but Eminem, Metallica and techno. Lots and lots of techno.
4. Either that, or you must LOVE Queensryche and/or Dream Theater.
5. Wear Armani Exchange. This is non-negotiable.
6. Or FCUK.
7. Or DKNY. Actually, anything that you don’t actually know the abbreviation of.
8. When talking to Russian friends, make sure to speak mostly English but then add random Russian words into the middle of your sentences.
9. Something like “Can you pass the kartoshka?” will do.
10. Relatives: Inverse of rules 8 and 9. “Ti mozhesh mne padat the potatoes?”.
11. Have a Whimit.
12. Actually use Whimit to find dates.
13. Are you drunk yet?
14. To the hookah bar!
15. Hair. Gel.
16. Or Jew-Fro.
17. Drive a Nissan Maxima.
18. Drunk.
19. Get speeding tickets while sober.
20. Make sure all of your friends know what “Yob tvayu mat” means.
21. Slap them every time they say “babushka” just because they know the word.
22. Cigarettes.
23. Make sure your car reeks of tobacco at any given moment.
24. If you are over 12 and have not started drinking yet, SHAME!
25. Get a new cellphone at least once every 6 months
26. Once every 3 months if possible.
27. As for shoes, always wear Diesels.
28. Never spend more than $50 on sneakers.
29. Never spend less than $50 on any other article of clothing.
30. Make sure that EVERYONE knows whether or not you are Jewish.
31. Seriously, are you drunk yet?
32. Use the word “nigga. A lot.
33. Have at least 2 Asian “homework-sources”.
34. Have a $50 bottle of cologne with you at any moment.
35. If you are at all Italian, make sure that everyone knows.
36. Own a Playstation 2.
37. Only play GTA: San Andreas.
38. Buy a $2000 computer to use only as a fancy typewriter or to run CS.
39. Bonus Points if it’s an Alienware.
40. If you have ever tried marijuana, make sure that every one of your buddy icons, profile pics, etc… depict the pot-leaf for at least 3 months.
41. Always drink at any gathering of any kind.
42. Have at least one stack of bootleg DVDs lying somewhere around your house.
43. Never buy anything costing more than $1000 from a non-Russian.
44. That way you get a better deal on it.
45. Have at least one close relative that’s a doctor.
46. Hate Stuy kids.
47. If you are female, make sure to wear pajama pants at any time outside of school.
48. Never have a good supply of printer ink or writing utensils.
49. Make sure your job somehow involves computer programming, unless you are in medicine.
50. Yell. Even if you’re having a quiet conversation, talk as loudly as possible.
51. Like Putin.
52. Don’t be Putin.
53. Make sure there is at least one “CCCP” shirt in your wardrobe. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know what it means.
54. Manuals are for sissies.
55. Skin.
56. Tight.
57. Jeans. God that’s gotta fuck with the sperm.
58. Slack off in school and barely pass as many classes as possible.
59. It’s ok if you do well in Bio.
60. You can pass math too.
61. Have Seinfeld on DVD.
62. Legally.
63. This is twice as important if you are in any way Jewish.
64. Have an overly tight Beatles t-shirt.
65. Pretend to be cultured while never actually having visited a museum.
66. Never read books outside of assigned reading.
67. Hell, don’t even read assigned books
68. Don’t be Polish.
69. If you are Ukrainian, make sure to specify that at every given opportunity.
70. Vodka.
71. Giant bag of potatoes.
72. Borsht.
73. Whenever you cross any border, make sure to stop by the duty free and buy as many bottles of cheap liquor and economy packs of Marlboro as you possibly can.
74. If you have kids with you, make sure to use them to increase your liquor buying capacity.
75. Eat at Sahara or Baku at every single possibility.
76. Order the same exact meal every time you order Chinese takeout.
77. Park your car in front of the house so you don’t have to “waste time parking it in the driveway.
78. Never actually buy trash bags. Put your trash in the plastic bags you get from Waldbaums.
79. Know at least 10 people names “Sasha”. Male or female.
80. You’re not racist. You just don’t like people that aren’t white.
81. Canada. Be there at least once a year.
82. Make sure that you have been to Niagara Falls on a Russian tour bus at least 5 times.
83. Don’t actually know how to read Russian.
84. Make sure that you invite a relative from Russia over to the US for a month at least once ever 2 years.
85. Meet with your grandparents at least once a week.
86. Do not, under any circumstances, be AZN.
87. If you are female, initiate every AIM conversation with a “hey? with at least 3 extraneous “y?’s.
88. Also, make sure that everyone on your buddy list knows that you “heart” them.
89. C’mon, you HAVE to be drunk by now.
90. Back to guys. Be blonde. Or at least try to be.
91. Make sure you have tried to rap at least once in your life.
92. You MUST have been to Brighton beach.
93. Own a guitar. Practice approximately 0 times a week.
94. Get a Bally Total Fitness membership just to use the steam room.
95. If you happen to park at a meter whose time has not expired yet, your week has just been made.
96. Make sure that your basement is filled with outdated videogame consoles, one of them being a SNES.
97. Be obsessed with anime.
98. End as many sentences as possible with “blayt’, “nahuy or “tvoyu mat’.
99. Date a non-Russian chick.
100. Bonus points if she is Asian.
101. Be offended by every single one of these rules. And drunk.
102. You go get your hair/manicure/pedicure done at a Russian lady’s house/apt/basement.
103. showing up to the Russian Restraunt in the same dress twice is a tragedy!104. all of your grandparents friends are convinced you rememember them, meanwhile they tell you: “ya pomnu kogda ti bila tokaya Malinkaya” while showing you with their hand.
105. When having guests over for a meal, put every food item you own out on the table.
106. Cant go outside with wet hair or after u sweat a lot.
107. you dont jus smoke cigarettes. you smoke parliaments. also you have no idea wut kebabs are but go for shashlik every weekend
108. drink alot of tea. it cures everything. to the tea add lemon and raspberry jam cuz That will cure anything. and don’t walk around the house with only a t-shirt on when you’re sick. make sure to have as many sweatshirts on instead. and multitudes of blankets when you sleep. and don’t forget the alcohol rub of the feet for extra good luck
109. when you were younger, and sick, your mom made you wear garlic around your neck, and or sniff it also
110. going to a community college to study how to become an ultrasound technician, or to become a radiation tech or whatever medical imaging technology can be found- or studying for 2 years to go to UIC to become a pharmacist- or maybe just not doing anything there at all, but taking “Russian Language” and acing it
111. a)when you go on a long trip somewhere, everyone has to sit down for a few minutes or else you will have bad luck.
b)cant open umbrellas in the house or whistle in the house
c)you shouldnt talk about something good happening before it does, if you do you say “tfu, tfu, tfu” like your spitting over your left shoulder. you cant buy baby stuff before the baby is born, thats bad luck.
d) sitting on cold surfaces makes you infertile :)
112. Gatta make a toast before you take a shot!
113. KASHA for breakfast lunch and dinner.
114. you watched ali g before borat came out
115. Despise Nazis like no other nationality.
116. all russian last names ending in -sky are jewish…
117. When you have family reunions or celebrations of some sort, always sing old Russian songs when drunk.
118. add sour cream to everything.
eat caviar with blinchiki
119. Your car costs more than your college education
120.Your blood has a permanent vodka content level, no matter you have been drinking or not
121.Any outfit you wear involves leather (even in the summer even when no coats are worn)
122.Your idea of a normal Friday or Saturday night is spending it raving with 200-300 of your closest friends
123.Your idea of a love song is Track 1 of the New York Underground Party Volume 3 CD.
124.Things you can’t live without include food, water, and a cell phone
125.Instead of notes during class you write text messages to your friends in Russian font
126.You come home at 3am and your parents are still out partying with all your friend’s parents
127.People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something…and you can
128.Every sentence you say or hear starts with “blyat” and ends with “nahuy”
129.You know the new line of Nokia’s 3 months before they come out on the market
130.You can’t go to the movies on Sunday night without having to save 20 seats for your late friends cuz they’re buying semichki
131.You don’t mind family get-togethers because you know the grandmas will be making dinner
132.You know all the cops by their first names
133.You know someone who works at a dental lab
134.You are somehow related to most of the people you know
135.On the weekends your place of residence is the pool hall, and every 10 mins the tolstii pon’chik tells you to pick up line 2
136.You drive a Honda (or, in the EXTREME worse case a Nissan), and your windows are tinted to twice the legal limit
137.Your Honda has either a RU (Russia) or UA (Ukraine) sticker on the back bumper
138.Your Honda is a 5-speed stick shift, and you laugh at anyone driving an automatic by calling them lohs
139.At any given moment you are carrying at least a dime bag of shmal’…
140.Your uncle is in the Russian Mafia or is a former employee of the KGB
141.You have been kicked out of the JCC at least twice for trying to sneak in without paying.
142.You can be identified as “Russian” by your scent (D&G or Aqua de Gio cologne).
143.The waitresses at Omega know your order even before you say anything. Most of the time you get “Gypsy”.
144.You met your girl playing strip durak at the last party you went to.
145.Everyone you know has a ruchka of smirnoff in their trunk.
146.You wake up on a saturday morning, unable to remember which one of your friends gave you a ride home because you couldn’t even walk, but see your car standing in the parking lot (you drove home yourself).
146.You start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
147.You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
148.You have to tell your parents what channel is “YOUR” HBO, Showtime, Per-View is on.
149.Your parents have computer “experience” for 8 years already on the resume, yet they been in US for only 4…
150.You major in Computer Science or in worst case scenario Information Systems (but you still barely know how to turn on a computer).
151.You have a personalized license plate.
152.When you are going downtown you ride in one of the last two train carts.
153.Typical Friday/Saturday night phone call to your friends starts with “So what are we doing tonight?”
154.Most of your clothes are fake brand names but you “just can’t tell them apart from the real ones.”
155.Your fake id is the International Driving License who you got through your friend who goes to Kingsburough.
156.You used to work out, but you don’t anymore. If you do workout, you must wear all you golden chains and bracelets.
157.Lifting a cigarette while drinking coffee counts as an exercise.
158.You have a fake Movado because you can’t afford a real Rolex.
159.Once in a while you attempt to go to synagogue but you never make it past the door because you meet so many people you haven’t seen for so long.
160.Some English words like “use, shop, apply, and etc.” permanently become a part of your conversation
161.wear adidas alot, and pumas are a must in any russian wardrobe.
162. every time u mention a new person youre hanging out with hte parents ask you what they do for a living, what their parents do and what their plans for the future are…which you most of the time dont know.
163. None of your teachers/professors in HS or college can pronounce you’re last name. By now you’ve asked them to stop butchering it
164.You spend AT LEAST 1 evening in El Greco, Dunkin Doughnuts on Emmonce Ave, 7-11, Bay, Amonia.
You actually visit ALL or MOST of these places in one night.
165.You are homophobic, but you don’t miss a single chance to act like a true gay
166.At the disco you spend a lot of time outside with a cigarette
167.The first question your parents ask about a new girl you’re dating is whether she is Jewish or not.
168.Chicago Russians only go to Loyola, Depaul or UIC. If they go any where else that means they’re not really russian.
169. ny russians live on kings highway, sheepshead [pronounced sheepshit], or briiiighton
170. You must wear tapki at your house, and must keep extra pairs for guests.
171.Your mom puts the mini shampoo and lotion bottles they give you at hotels in her purse each time the maid sets out new ones.
172.You never leave a restaurant without your leftovers in a take-out box.
173.Right when you meet a Russian, you gotta ask what their last name is
174.You have to be ahead of everyone else in traffic and if u get mad at other drivers for being slow you say “kak karova” or “yetchki vyeszot”
175.if a girl dates a non russian she teaches him important Russian words like “ya teba liblu” or “paidyom” just in case if his friends get annoying and you wanna get away from em.
176.Don’t like things made in China but want a good deal all the time
177.Obsess over any russian products
178.your american friends don’t understand how you know that the lady in the orange fur coat yelling across the starbucks table to her friend in thigh-high snake-skin boots is russian.
179.People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something…and you can
180.your father has gotten you kicked out of numerous places for arguing with the authorites
181.Moskva is not a country, no matter how much they try to be ;-)
182.you slap everyone who refers to you as “ruski” instead of your actual name
183.whether you like it or not, you are at least a little jewish.
184.you hate everyone who is richer that you (specially the russian billionnairs) but you secretly want to be them.
185. Your father, brother uncle or boyfriend is always walking around in sweat suits made by sean john, adidas, puma or fubu
186. You are OBSESSED with sushi, especially philadelphia and california rolls
187. a true russian woman wears all of her diamonds at once. Even with the track suit. Even at the gym. Must sparkle at all times! The bigger the jewellery the better. Seems especially prevalent in ex-Odessa ladies
188. there is a particular love of animal print design, especially among the older and more generously-proportioned women. Tiger-print tops, snake-print pants, leopard-print skirts. This is usually accessorised with lots of gold jewellery
188. russian women bring out their furs on special occasions such as weddings and wear them even in 30 degree heat
189. a visit to the synagogue is a great social occasion-you will be updated on all the latest gossip (who is pregnant, who is divorcing, who is cheating on whom) and will not hear a single word of the actual service
190. your grandparents have rugs on their walls.
191. when your american friends open your frige, they ask a simple question-;-”does your parents making party today???”’))))))))
192. your babushka calls you more than your devatchka
193. pickling just about anything possible. Including watermelon
194.When you were little Ivanushki International was the stuff. Nsync-who?
195.Blue Ded Moroz and his Snegurochka is so much better than Red Santa and Mrs Clause
196.When at a russian birthday celebration the first Tost goes to the Imeninik and the next to his/her parents and the next to the Granparents….and then for anything good really and in the end everyone’s singing songs out LOUD or chanting out Pushkins poems or possibly even dancing. Russians are happy people.
197.Really, evrytime you drink there’s got to be Tost for it
198.For girls: you are always the best looking girl of the party, but the fact that you somehow seem not to know it adds you even more atractivenes.
199.If you’re sick: Vodka and lemon is the answer!
200.You have many names: Sasha/Sanya/Shura/Alexandra or Dasha/Daria/Dashechka/Dashenka or Masha/Maria/Marina even and etc etc
201.*Your parents accents prevents them from pronouncing the word “three” so it sounds like “srii” and we all know what that means :D
202. You know at least three Verka Serduchka songs.
203. you go back to Ukrine/Russia/Belarus etc for vecation in the summer and when you use words such as (with a heavy russian accent) “mi idyom na TRAIN”… “ya na BASE”… “ti ne pravil’no eto USAESH”…. “ya idu SHAPOTSA”…. “poshli CHILLAT’” and wonder why they dont understand what your saing.
204. if you ask your mom to buy you an electronic she is most likely going to say no earn for it yourself. but when you ask her to cook some Makaroni Po Flotski she jumps right to it.
205. your father insists on making any renovations (fixing a room up, building a closet, painting the walls) in your house all by himself
206. You love russian telly and especially russian cartoons. And your mum loves Maxim Galkin
207. ruki verh—18 mne uzhe must be played at every 18th bday celebration in a Russian restaurant, btw ALLA PUGACHEVA KICKS ASS..
208. everyone grows up on kotleti
209. some of the the most common foods are dried fruit, sour cream, kolbasa, mushrooms, kvas, borsh, pelmeni, vareniki,boullion, peroshki
210. you watched the series “Nu Pogodi” when you were over 10 years old!
Oh so true.
Source: meridional
